In her article “Marriage, Passion and the Sex Myth” (Sunday Times, July 6th), Erica Jong says “ … passion ebbs and flows in marriages. Sexual boredom is rampant, and has been rampant throughout history.”
The problem facing many couples today is that they don’t always know how to recapture the magic and excitement so that their relationship can become great again.
There are many reasons why couples’ sex lives become moribund. As Erica Jong once said, “…sexual boredom is rampant and has been throughout history”. Boredom and apathy play their part. We become embroiled in the mundane - (bogged down with familiarity), the kids, financial and other pressures, and before we know it sex is a distant memory.
Illness and the affects of aging can exacerbate things (push sex further down the scale) because as we grow older our bodies change.
A menopausal woman’s libido can fluctuate and her vagina may become dry. As men age they may find it more difficult to get and sustain an erection. These symptoms are all perfectly normal, the problem is that many couples don’t know how they can recapture the magic so that their relationship can again be great. (Understanding and adapting to these processes is vital if a sexual relationship is to be pursued or maintained.)
The gnawing away of self confidence is accelerated when a wall of silence is felt whenever the subject is raised and even anger when persistence and attempts to confront the problem are made (by evidence of reticence to discuss things, by embarrassment in intimate situations and by anger from one’s partner when confronted with the problem.) One could be forgiven for thinking that one is no longer fanciable, for coming to the the conclusion that things will never change.
(Even in long-term relationships there can be a reticence, embarrassment and even anger and frustration. What if he no longer fancies me? How do we start again? Where do we start? It seems that people are able to talk about anything but sex. We are open and frank when it comes to discussing our needs when it comes to a holiday, new car or how to deal with the children. But put sex and our needs and wants in the frame and we run a mile. We hide behind a wall of silence.)
We want to make some progress but don’t know how to start. Luckily help is at hand. There is a whole industry out there with the sole purpose of helping couples in this situation. Sex is now more openly talked about in the media more than ever before.
Scour magazines and newspapers, research the many self-help books available to find the one most likely to help, talk to a doctor and close friends (or planting appropriate “seeds” for discussion are all effective ways to start the dialogue.)
It is possible to learn how to plant the seeds of ideas that might open fruitful discussion Our actions may surprise our partner, but if we are able to ‘boldly go where no man or for that matter woman has gone before, stick to our guns, all things are possible.
This really is a case of getting out of our comfort zone to explore new possibilities. Just as a new holiday destination can bring rewards and some disappointment so can this journey – but if we really want the change, we have to tackle it head on.
There is a special kind of courage and fearlessness in tackling emotional and sensitive issues, but the gain is a closer and more rewarding bond that cannot be underestimated. “You can’t cross the ocean of existence by hiding in a safe little harbour” (Bo Lozoff).
However if we seek change we also have to be prepared for the consequences. What if he rebuffs your approaches? What if there is resistance to change and you are met with a wall of resentment or worse “I had hoped that was finished with years ago?”? You may well have to ask some painful questions as to why? The willing partner has to be brave and ask for change.
Always in any situation where you are unsure of yourself, state how you feel, as no one has the right to say you don't or can't feel a particular way, i.e., willing partner says, "I feel so lonely & unwanted because you never hold me anymore. Do you want me to feel that way?" The reluctant one really has no option but to reply. It's also good to ask if partner feels the same or better still, leave the question open for a reply, i.e., "I feel xyz.... how do you feel.....?" For good communication never assume, always check out an assumption.
Sexual attractiveness can also be an issue. Confidence in ones attractiveness to ones partner can dwindle if the relationship is sexless. Thoughts such as “does he still fancy me?” are harboured but we do nothing about it for fear that we are right!
Sexual activity reinforces feelings of sexuality, pair bonding and desirability, however sexuality comes from within no matter how you look or are..... If you feel and act sexy the chances your partner will still find you attractive, despite wanting you to loose a few pounds, for example.
However If your partner doesn't find you attractive and you hear the truth, are the changes they want realistic, achievable, sustainable? Is that what you want for yourself too? Would you want to make the changes if you are quite happy with yourself?
You will need to look at what is holding the relationship together as it stands with no sex. Isn't it better to work with the truth than living a lie? If communication dries up, ends in a an argument or tears, or can't get started at all, take a 5 minute break but come back to the issue. If there is still no happy outcome, seek professional help.
Once you have open and honest dialogue with each other on sexual and intimate issues the world frankly is your oyster. One of the best inhibition-busters I can recommend is the “Wishing Bowl”. This bowl contains the sexual or sensual wish list of each partner.
What you do is take special time out together and write down a list of sensual and sexual things you would like to try out. As you write down each wish you should discuss it with your partner before it is put into the bowl.
Ideally the list should be an even number for each of you and should include ideas like how much sex you would like, what sort, whether there are any fantasies and so on.
Fun and humour are an essential ingredient to this game as is a positive attitude to making it work. Discussing ways to achieve a better sexual relationship heightens/drives the libido and then you can set aside regular quality time together to take a wish out of the bowl and act on it.
This game is good for tackling some of the slightly less pleasant issues too. Like a disparity of desire, this is all too common with both young and old, this is normal and needs to be made clear, i.e., new baby/grandchildren, financial hardship, death of a loved one, empty nest syndrome etc, etc or the physical problems associated with aging.
Do not be shy about telling your partner; what was good 10 years ago may feel awful now, i.e., due to the thinning of the vagina at menopause, deep thrusting in sexual intercourse may be very painful, and extra lubrication is a must. There are lots of products out there to buy. It's not that you don't love them, but your body has changed and things may have to be different from now on.
It’s time to go back to basics, start courting again. First up: is loads of cuddles and kisses, hand holding and snuggling up on the sofa. Reaffirmation of your love for each other on a daily basis is vital. All of this, perhaps to begin with, in an atmosphere that does not lead to sex.
If each partner feels valued and cared for it will be easy to lead that ‘lovey-doveyness’ to a more passionate sexual union later.
If it has been a long time since you had sex, start slowly with caresses, stroking and perhaps learn how to massage each other. There are plenty of books and DVDs to show you how. It is important at these early stages that sex is off the agenda so no pressure is felt by either party, there will be plenty of time for that later on.
Gradually building the excitement and enthusiasm for touching, stroking and caressing for each others mutual fun and pleasure should be the first goal. If you are both relaxed and happy with each other, the spontaneity of sex will be a natural progression.
A married couple near me used to get all dressed up to go out. He would leave the house and come back with small gift wrapped for her, knock at the door and they would have a candle lit supper just as they did when they were first together.
They were always reminiscing about romantic interludes and they were so polite and courteous to each other that any one who did not know them would think they had just started the relationship. Use your imagination and try some play acting.
If both partners are happy to be in a sexless relationship that is fine!! Cuddles on the sofa, a pinch on the behind, sharing a bath, candle lit dinners, a trip to the cinema or theatre.... sharing quality things and having quality time are the keys.
Above all it pays to listen carefully to each other, watch each others body language and talk, talk, talk. If we feel we are really listened to and heard we can go forward in an atmosphere of trust and empathy. Any resentment or anger can be dispelled.
It never fails to amaze me at the number of couples who harbour anger for years back that the other partner is totally unaware of. My husband once said to me “we are so responsible for each other’s happiness.” How true.
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