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| Posted on 16 Jan 2007 : |
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| How was the festive season for you? Divorce solicitors reckon that Monday 8th January was their busiest day of the year. For many the stress of arrangements for Christmas, in laws and family issues, making sure everyone is happy and the petty squabbles which turn into major three act dramas are the last straw in an already strained relationship. Add to that the extra time together as the country seems to shut down over this period for longer and longer and breaking up seems a more worthwhile option than sticking together. We almost become goal driven to separate rather than seek solutions to solve our problems. So many times I see couples who, if they had sought properly trained help much earlier, would not have found themselves in this miserable situation. Relate say that on average it takes couples about 6 years to do something about the state of their relationship, but on average 7 out of 10 of those that do seek help tend to do better than those that do not receive marital counselling. About half the couples reliably move from marital distress to marital satisfaction by the end of the counselling.
Alarm bells are ringing in political circles too at the moment since the fall out from relationship breakdowns costs the country millions each year. Indeed David Cameron, the Conservative leader, has endorsed a 300-page report published recently by former leader Iain Duncan Smith which claims that family breakdowns cause social problems costing more than £20 billion a year. It used to be said that back ache was the number one excuse for days off work, now it is depression, much of that caused by unhappiness at home. You only have to see the amount of money spent on benefits and resources for single parent families, juvenile delinquency etc and the lack of a proper adequate housing stock, to see that there is a major problem in this country.
I believe that many couples put too much emphasis on making Christmas as good as it gets and when it ends in disappointment for reasons, many out of our control, our rationality goes out the window. The rarefied atmosphere does little to help our usual routines and patience and understanding are in short supply. So those little issues loom large when your partner forgets to buy the Paxo.
Many look forward to the break to have time to unwind and relax together and when this does not happen there can be a rising tide of resentment and anger which does not recede during the dull dark days of January and February. For the sake of harmony for everyone over Christmas we are often forced to put on a brave, happy face which only increases the tension between couples.
Good relationships need nurture on a daily basis. Just like the Christmas Poinsettia needs food, water, light and care and if you neglect it, it will whither and die so it is with relationships. Look after them and you will reap the rewards.
If you find yourself nitpicking and hurling insults at each other it will be difficult to find ways of expressing how you feel and what is REALLY going on between you cloaked at it is in derision. The more one partner rants and raves the more likely it is that the other partner will go quiet and shut down communication altogether. Many find that before they have noticed it, they are spending more and more time in silence and going their separate ways. Its no good threatening your spouse either, hanging the sword of Damocles overhead does not change behaviour. Behaviour can only change if the person themselves wants to change.
A more constructive approach might be to sit down together and look at small, simple ways to improve your day to day experience of your life together. Keep repeating the things that work and reinforce why you want to be together not separate. This could involve getting home a little earlier and sharing a meal together. If something is working do more of it if not don’t. However hostile you have become after two or three months of reinforcing and boosting each other instead of destroying and belittling each other, you should see signs of progress.
If there is still stalemate, don’t wait to seek professional help – there are still plenty of ways to solve your differences. Remember skilled therapists are trained to look at different ways of handling common problems and most couples are not expert at resolving these issues when they become entrenched in bitterness and resentment.
Love can whither and die but nurture it and it can grow again if there is a will.
Further help can be obtained from Relate http://www.relate.org.uk who have trained counsellors available. They also have psychosexual counsellors too if you feel your problems are sexually related. Another useful website is BASRT (The British Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapy) http://www.basrt.org.uk
Submitted by Mary Clegg www.maryclegg.com |
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